Biting the Bullets: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blood
Spilling my guts on the UnitedHealthcare CEO Assassination
Image credit: Photo Illustration by Victoria Sunday for The Daily Beast/Getty Images
I came down with a cold last Tuesday. Other than the fact that it sucks to be sick and depleted on the first week back at college after Christmas Break, this cold has proven to be somewhat funny because now, when I speak, my voice cracking gives my words extra dramatic effect. Take, for example, when I talk about leaving behind my previous major of marine biology:
“I dIdn’T wANT to dO it AnYMORE.”
Or my new career goals:
“I’m gOing to lAw schOOl. I’d bE sO gOod aT bEing aN aTtornEy.”
Or the recent murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson:
“What Thompson did by denying people care wasn’t illegal, but it was immoral. hE wAsn’T inNocEnt. They’re only charging Luigi Mangione with terrorism because he upset the status quo. If someone shot me on the streets of New York City, the authorities wouldn’t even want to investigate. I dOn’t FeEl tErrorIzed bY hIm, do yOu?”
These confident assertions, however, don’t mean that there aren’t moments of angst setting in, moments when I worry that I really am a ghoul for having a more positive view of Mangione than of Thompson, or for believing that Thompson’s murder, even while wrong, brought about much-needed national unity and a reckoning against the health insurance industry. In addition to my voicecracks, my neck and back pain has intensified, and I’ve been having nosebleeds that have left my bed looking like a crime scene and gotten blood all over my face, clothes, and hands. As I told my mom recently,
“I fEel lIkE bRiaN tHoMpsOn’s cOrpSe is hAngIng oVEr mY hEAd!”
***
All in all, this has been a pretty strange couple of months for me. If I were to use just one word to describe them, it would be: morbid. In the week between Thanksgiving Break and Christmas Break, I barely left my college dorm. I was in a dark place mentally as I grieved my dog, Abby, who had passed away at the age of eleven about a month prior. Thanksgiving Break had been difficult without her, and I knew that Christmas Break was going to be hard in the same way. My mom’s assertion that Abby had passed without pain was of little comfort to me. Even if she hadn’t suffered, my family now had to suffer without her. In the wake of her death, I kept thinking, “Abby didn’t deserve to die. Dogs aren’t even capable of cruelty the way that humans are. Why couldn’t an actual bad person have died?”
Well, be careful what you wish for- you just might get it.
In the week immediately following Thompson’s murder, I didn’t say anything, preferring instead to observe and gauge reactions, from mainstream media reporting to acquaintances’ social media stories. This was a wise decision because it kept me from coming to snap judgements. When I first heard that people were celebrating the fatal shooting of a man on the street, I was horrified, and I continue to be disgusted at the people who use this situation as an excuse to cheer for violence rather than outline legitimate grievances with the health insurance industry. As more time passed, I became exposed to many of these grievances from more level-headed critics of Thompson and of UnitedHealthcare, and I came away from reading these as a more informed and empathetic person. By waiting and watching, I was also able to avoid jumping to conclusions about the political bent of reactions to the crime. Pretty early on, I realized that I shouldn’t trust any one side’s reporting, especially since the leftists cheering at the killing had apparently abandoned their zealous advocacy for gun control and the right-wing pundits covering the crime’s reactions brushed off criticisms of the healthcare industry as complaints from the ‘woke and socialist left’. There were other reactions that were even more absurd, like a left-leaning account posting on X that Dr. Andrew Huberman, a health podcaster followed by suspect Luigi Mangione, had ‘inspired a shooter’, and much of the legacy media dismissing Mangione as fringe or even insane. This seemed to be so they could have an excuse to ignore his motives, which I find to be a foolish and dangerous choice. Acknowledging a valid motive and condoning a violent act are two very different things. It would do many people good to remember that. All of this purposefully flawed reporting meant that, while taking in information about the crime, I had to think for myself and form my own opinions.
It wasn’t just in the reactions, but in the case itself, that nothing was as it seemed. Alleged perpetrator Luigi Mangione, far from being a leftist thug of an ANTIFA or similar variety, was actually an Ivy League grad from a wealthy Italian-American Maryland family, with no prior criminal record (unless you count a citation for trespassing in Hawaii, but, as my friend Ben said, that’s a deep cut). He was extremely well-read and followed many people that I have followed for years, including previously mentioned Stanford medical school professor Dr. Andrew Huberman, psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson, sociologist Dr. Jonathan Haidt, and policy advisor and president of the American Institute for Boys and Men, Richard V. Reeves. He subscribed to ideas from both the left and the right, expressing concerns about animal welfare and the environment and endorsing ethical, sustainable agriculture, such as lab-grown meat; on the other hand, Luigi appeared to be socially conservative, having criticized DEI, mass immigration, and pornography. Despite working in computer science, he had given four stars to the manifesto written by the Unabomber, the anti-technology domestic terrorist with a surprisingly large following among some members of my faith tradition, Eastern Orthodox Christianity.
And it wasn’t just Mangione’s background that captivated me. Several symbolic details of the crime itself, such as the earnest and understated ‘minifesto’ critiquing the health insurance industry, the backpack abandoned in Central Park full of Monopoly money, and the homemade 3D-printed ghost gun, which is an anti-gun control statement if ever I saw one, had me laughing, not out of schadenfreude but out of genuine enjoyment at uncovering each new twist and its meaning.
Over the course of a month-long Christmas Break devoid of much in the way of excitement, this case became my scavenger hunt. There was no other rabbit hole I would have rather fallen down, not even after I realized where I was standing on the issue.
Where did I find myself standing on the issue?
The more I read about this case, the more I realized I was… Team… Luigi?
Oh, shit.
The problem wasn’t that I was surprised, but should not have been. Not to brag, but I'm kind of an expert on this stuff. I’ve been writing about the psychology behind morally questionable actions on this Substack since October, and the idea for the Substack predates my first post by nearly two years. The problem also wasn’t that I, a conservative, was embracing views that were somewhat out of line with the Republican Party. I’ve been an environmentalist and against Big Pharma for years, and, although I am a registered Republican, my views aren’t confined to a single side of the political spectrum. The problem was the following:
My essay prompt from two years prior and the premise of this Substack had come true— in real life! By suggesting that antagonists could sometimes become leaders with understandable motives, loyal followers, and dynamic movements to bring their vision to life, it had been describing a phenomenon that doesn’t only take place in movies. As I witnessed people coming forward who understood Luigi’s motives, even if they didn’t condone his actions, and realized, first with horror and then with resignation, that I was among them, I noticed that this phenomenon was now taking place all around -and within- myself. Cue the panic: “I’m a ghoul!”, cue the stoicism: “I’d be more surprised if this wasn’t so disturbingly on brand.”
And yet, this saved me. Yes, this murder saved me. At a time when I was grieving, bored, and directionless, following the details of this case gave me something fun to do as well as clarity as to what I should do with my life:
I would make an excellent lawyer.
And I don’t just say that because I’m good at arguing and defending people who “shouldn’t be defended”, which are the original two reasons I would give whenever someone I knew would tell me, “Wow, Sophia, you should really go into law”. That is part of it, although a right to an attorney and to a fair trial are in the Constitution. I also want to pursue a career where I’ll get to read a lot, gather clues, form a judgement, and then express it. My epiphany came when I was reading the charges leveled against Mangione, many of which others and I consider to be unjust.
“‘Mangione is accused of committing murder in the first degree in furtherance of terrorism. Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, whose office is prosecuting the case, said that the midtown Manhattan ambush ‘was a killing that was intended to evoke terror,’” I read.
“Terror? What?” I thought. “Hardly any killers throughout history have been charged with terrorism, not even serial killers, mass shooters, or murderous gang members. Also, how can this killing be said to have ‘evoked terror’ if, before Mangione was even identified, the authorities said that he wasn’t believed to be a danger to the public? By charging him with terrorism now, they’re retroactively labeling him a threat to the public. Which is it? They were either lying then, or they’re lying now. I’ve never taken a political science or criminal justice class before, but even I know that this is BS– and, oh my gosh, I’m arguing over these charges as if I were a lawyer. Maybe I should stop fighting this and bite the bullet– or bullets with handwritten messages, in this case– and go to law school. That way, I’ll get even better at making arguments about things like this.”
***
I told my parents that I was going to pursue law, and, though they had urged me to for years, they didn’t gloat, which I appreciated. I registered for new classes and am changing my majors to public health and classics, with minors in biology and statistics. It’s a complete pivot from what I once envisioned, but I’m excited for the future. Though the circumstances of this change were strange and maybe even a little sinister, it was through Brian Thompson’s death and the reckoning that followed that my ambitions found rebirth and new direction. For that, I am not afraid to be grateful.
***
Note: Isaac Bashevis Syndrome is a Substack written for educational and entertainment purposes only. No statements made on this Substack should ever be construed as condoning or endorsing any form of violence. Thank you for your understanding.
Great read!